Painting & Photography project in partnership with Valentina Gaia Lops
We all know what disconnection feels like.
The feeling of not really being there or that something got lost in the way.
For me it translates very intensely in my relationship with men. Having sex with someone and at some point not being there. The feeling of shutting out, closing the mind and letting the body do what it does.
Being in love made some difference to create some level of connection, but it was not enough and I’ve only realised the level of my detachment very recently.
The first and most damaging disconnection was to myself, but looking at how I related to my partners, allowed me to realize this disconnection in a very raw manner.
The wall was inside, always inside.
I put it there to protect myself and it worked so well that I didn’t even realize it was there.
I still feel too much, I still hurt, I’m still lost in many ways. But more than never I need to look in the mirror and see myself, I need to make sure that I’m here, that I’m not falling into old patterns, that I’m not trying to emulate someone else’s behavior, thoughts, wants or desires.
I’m still not sure enough and I feel this will only come with time. It’s a selfish moment and I’ve decided to give in to it. For now and until all the crap comes out, all the beauty comes out, and I can look and actually see myself, I’ll allow myself to give into this selfishness.
This series of paintings are not a statement against men, because although we all know violence against women is a sad true, that was not my experience as an adult.
The sexual abuse I suffered as a child has deeply impacted me as a woman and that’s what this project is about, the impacts and consequences of that fact.
Painting was always a very lonely and personal process. This time there’s people around and I need them. Which is a contradiction, since the project is about [Dis]connection and I find myself needing to connect with people in order to make it happen. I keep going back to the same though: balance. I’m not sure how long I’ll need to go back in order to move forward.
The idea is to translate my feelings of disconnection through a series of paintings portraying intimate scenes between couples: touch, texture of the skin, gaze and the poses.